Life changing news one day

2003

Auckland, NZ

Well, how’s my favourite OM then??  Cruising along without a care in the world?  Good, that’s exactly how I feel.  The funny thing is that’s how I act out in the world and few realise that in fact it’s all turned topside down, that I don’t feel crash hot about very much at all and I miss having decent company around me.

Yesterday I was told, with a steel glinty look in his lovely eyes,  that I am indeed seriously ill, can’t believe it as I can only see that I look a bit tired…..
The surgeon ran through all the options with me without telling me what to do, one is do nothing, become very sick sooner rather than later and be in a real mess (my words, can’t remember his precise ones) or have complex surgery, up to ten hours,  that he doesn’t do very often.  So there’s all the options, not hard to choose surgery and hope like hell he looks after this beautiful body when I’m totally out of control. Wonder if one talks under anaesthetic?  He’d get an ear battering anyway so no doubt there’ll be the usual tube down the throat to make sure I shut up.
Mortality rate during the op is 1%, I need to find 99 other people having the op that day – suppose I’m the only one, does that make 1% into 100%.  I suggested to him the op was similar to caesareans, he said no, this would be more complex and vertical, not horizontal.  Oh dear, time to stop dwelling on the unknown future.

On my own that’s not too easy because the MOTH is well away out west at sea but will be home soon I hope, like in a couple of weeks or so.  I’ll be away for at least a week and probably longer,  then need  a month of recovery assistance,  then  quiet next four weeks – shall I ask him to put on stockings and high heels as well to complete the picture??  Seriously, I do think he will make a good nurse, was brilliant when I was rushed in to hospital and I’ve told him that since, can’t take him for granted. Don’t think he realised that I meant it when I said I’m very scared, maybe he is too.

Hopefully you’ll be well on your way to somewhere nice, have lost track of where you are because lot’s of thoughts disappear into my blonde locks and immediately forgotten, I must be a puzzle to the poor old fella who isn’t much better himself right now.  Wondering if you’ll realise this has all been typed stone cold sober with nothing more than a Twinings or two, no rum and coke and certainly no ciggies at all, gave them up because the risk of dying with blood clots frightened me, might have left the run too late because it will only be a couple of months non smoking but that’s better than just carrying on regardless.  Tried to stop three or four times before, obviously unsuccessfully, this time I have the fear put into me that no warnings on packets could ever do.

I’m really rambling, screwed up somewhat but trying to be calm and optimistic, it’s almost 1800 13 June and I’m about to love and leave you before another hour disappears.  So much hope your world is good and uncomplicated, special love to you both,   Annie xx

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